Today is August 15, 2013. Today is my 60th birthday. Today is the last day of my life. Today, I committed suicide. Today, is the first day this site is active, but it will be here for years to come. Release of rights.
Before I get into the nuts and bolts of this site, I first must say to those whom I have a special bond with, please don't think that I didn't consider your feelings. I'm sorry... very sorry for the hurt and pain I will have caused by my actions. In all probability, I won't be able to justify it to you - at least not today. Maybe someday you will come to understand... better. If not today, maybe someday you will be able to read what I've said and learn why. Maybe someday you will be able to forgive me. I love you!
This site is divided into two major categories. The first is the suicide. The second is my life. To the left side of this page, you will see categories. Under some of them are subcategories. You can click and read anything you want. My life is an open book now that I’ve closed the book on my life.
It’s important for me to have written quite a bit about my decision to commit suicide because it’s rarely been done. I assume the people I know would want to understand it better and I’m sure there are people out there who study suicide that would like to study mine – so I’ve left nothing to the imagination. It’s all here.
I debated the idea of having the suicide (death) categories at the top above the life categories or at the bottom of the left side of the page. After all, chronologically, we live and then we die. But, which is more important… the life or the death? I couldn’t decide that one was more important than the other at this moment in time and so I put the suicide categories on top because it's the headline, the 11:00 news lead. Besides, the suicide categories will reveal some things that nobody knows about me while the life categories have stuff in them that at least some people know.
Having decided to put the suicide stuff first, it is technically something that took a very tiny amount of time to do - contrary to my life experiences which took… a lifetime. So, what I hope will happen in the long run is that my life is remembered and the suicide is just an asterisk, a footnote. After all, we all die. The way we died doesn’t change one little thing about the way we lived. When remembering anyone who has passed on, hopefully it is the life that is recalled and not the death.
So, if you want to understand everything I have to say about my death - simply read the first 12 categories on the list to the left - especially Suicide Preface. If you want to know what I have to say about my life, read the next 34 categories and 44 subcategories. I've tried to present them in some kind of order that makes sense, but you can read anything you want in whatever order you want. I just hope you will read it.
I think it is fair to say that I owe you (assuming "you" are someone that I know) an explanation. It's unfair to rob someone of something they love or even like or even know without an explanation. Having said that, you also owe me. You owe me the time it takes to understand why I did what I did without prejudging. I've done my part. The rest is up to you. If you opt to not read it, then I'm tempted to say "You can't handle the truth!"... but won't.
I discovered that I was often writing in the present tense as well as the past tense, so I decided I would write in the past tense for the death categories - except for the next two categories (January 1, 2012 and June 11, 2012), but present tense for the life categories. At least that will be the norm.
Lastly, at some point in reading this site you would have asked whether I was ultimately satisfied with my life, so I decided this was the best place to address it. I suspect nobody is completely satisfied and I'm no different. No, I wasn't fully satisifed with my life, but I was fully satisfied with my death!
"If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character, would you slow down? Or speed up?" -- Chuck Palahniuk
In case this is of any help to anyone, coping with suicide.